This is How I’ve Thrown Melanee Under the Bus.

I have a coworker and a friend and a confidant named Melanee. Please don’t confuse her with Homeless Melanie, who I found under a railroad bridge in 2017 and moved into my garage. She was a rescue.

But this is a totally different Melanee. Even though I put her name in my new phone as Housing Insecure Melanee, she’s unrelated to the Melanie of yore. Like I tell each of my Italian American tables, Mel and I went all the way through K-12 together. And we did it without ever speaking a word to one and another.

She’s probably the best there’s ever been. And she was voted greatest bartender in all of Applebee’s. Out of every Applebee’s. Think about your recent experience at Applebee’s. If you weren’t served mixed drinks by Melanee, you haven’t had the best. It’s as simply orange as that.

Unfortunately, I’m a sunovabitch. Mel returned as a server coworker months ago and it made me so happy, I could only express that happiness by doggin’ her in front of guests. Super constantly.

My dealio on the regs is to respond, when asked by a guest for some silverware, I say, “I keep telling Melanee it’s easier for people to eat when they have the tools to do so” or “It’s company policy that all guests should have a knife and fork. Mel really went rogue on this one.”

I am, in fact, the one who doesn’t reset her tables with silverware. On occasion I’ve actually removed silverware syrup-ticiously WHILE PEOPLE ARE ALREADY AT TABLE.

In case you haven’t surmised, I’m also the best there ever was. But at something slightly different. Sometimes Mel cuts bread in a way I disagree with, and I hafta gently but harshly correct her, “No no, on a diagonal, cut the bread lengthwise in little slices for folks. This is coming all the way from corporate. Don’t blame me.”

One of my favorite versions of me is the one that brings Mel over to one or all of my tables to explain to them about Melanee and I. I like doing this if I see Melanee is especially busy or stressed. I tell them stories of Mel and Jacob Perry or Mel’s mom Joe Dirt. Seriously, that’s her mom’s real name.

Other times, her guests lack drink menus after I’ve removed them. When the customer stops me needing a wine n beer list I say, “Ooof. I been tellin’ Mel she’ll sell more drinks by the seashore if she shows folks so they know what’s in tow. This is coming all the way from corporate. Don’t blame me.”

But none of it was ever as bad as what I did last shift. 8 prom kids needed silvered wares. Heh. So I began talking with them about their server Melanee. And THEN they told me their event is at The Old Glass Place. Well you don’t say, I said to them.

It was her release as a manager at the odd glass place that blessed me with the return of Mel to Granma’s Italian Cafe. She was unemployed bbc the owner lady wanted to go a different direction. One without wonderful management?!? That’s silly.

So I told the whole table that tragic tale, as Mel looked on.

After that she told me that’s the worst I’ve ever thrown her under the bus.

Personal Property Tax Day 24

Such a long series, yet still so important. It’s foundational undergarment reading for me. Today was Friday. All day long it was. I went to the property offices, filled with joy that can only be expressed by annoying others.

Int. Rm. 107

Dan’l: Hello.

Tristan: Hi!

Dan’l: Hello.

Stephanie: Hello.

Dan’l: No offense, Tristan. But I’m drawn to this chair in front of Stephanie. I’m taking a tour of taxation. Now listen, I’ve never done anything like this before. I’m a wide-eyed innocent. Just so you know. This isn’t some sort of role play I’m doing. Ok do you need my identification?

Stephanie: Yes.

Dan’l: I don’t have any. But I can clearly identify myself. I’m Daniel today.
Stephanie: And what’s a good last name for you?

Dan’l: Only one I’ve got is Newell, good or bad. Or Rodgey.
Stephanie: Daniel R. Newell?

Dan’l: For Rodgey. In tribute.
Stephanie: Last year did you own a 98 Plymouth?

Dan’l: That un went to be with the Lord. It was a dog house a while, after my dad Rodgey didn’t keep his foot on the accelerator at all times and wore the starter out.
Stephanie: What about the 2000 Mustang?

Dan’l: It’s probably still the most beautiful car at picknpull. I drove it 7 miles in reverse to get there. People were pointing and yelling. It was like a one float parade.
Stephanie: (snorts).

Guy at the next desk: Can you all quiet down, I’m trying to hear the person on the phone.

Dan’l, rising and approaching him, way too close, “I’m so sorry. My voice tends to carry and I lack whispering capabilities. You have my sincerest condolences.”

Stephanie: (snorts again).

Dan’l: Stephanie has anyone ever told you you’re the type of person who, when they laugh, sometimes they snort? Twice?

Stephanie: So you weren’t driving the dog house van at all in 2023?
Dan’l: The Plymouth? No but sometimes I’d go sit in the field n pretend to drive it. Ok now I go to the basement and harass the ladies down there? Hey, would all of you clerks sign my memory book?
(they do so).

Dan’l: Ok this is a library book and what you did was vandalism. Luckily, I’m an attorney.

Chelsea: You’re an attorney?

Dan’l: For now. Bye!

Stephanie: Thank you for brightening my day!

Dan’l: …do you follow me on YouTube? I’m accepting new followers for a limited time only. Oooo! My blog has about a dozen posts covering my previous property tax visits. That might be a little too meta though.
Stephanie: Not to meta at all.

Dan’l: I would’ve had you sign this book on sexy crimes but it’s not mine.

Chelsea: Library book isn’t yours either.

Stephanie: Are you reading about sex crimes for your work?

Dan’l: Nope.

Stephanie: Oh.
Dan’l Just a little pleasure reading. Hold the mophone. Is our county collector’s name Ice T?

Tristan: Mr. Icet.
Danl: Rapper, actor, civil servant. Is there anything he can’t do?

Int. Basement.

Dan’l: I love these old buildings. I’d love to find a side door unlocked and slip in and sleep the night away.

Gigi: Are you Daniel?

Dan’l: I try to be.
Gigi: “It’ll be $146 today.”

Dan’l: A reasonable price. And would you mind adding a 1.5% fee to that because I wanna use debit. What… what happened to the dime diaper babies y’all were raising money for all these years? Did they die? Have they all been killed to death?!? Have a great day!

Domestic Appliance Abuse

Hello. My name is pretty much Dan’l, and I’m a survivor of domestic abuse, among other things. My abuser’s name is… the only name he ever had in the neighborhood that I knew was the one word monicker Frigidaire. And before you get all presumptively racist, no, he’s not black. He’s as white as the ace of spades. The white parts of the ace of spades, I mean. Which, if we’re lesbian honestly, most all the card is white.

What happened was unfortunate. Maybe it was a misunderstanding, and it was probably all my fault. I’m not used to having running water or heat or a refrigerator at all. So when opening the refrigerator machine two days ago, I hit my nosejobbed nose so hard the door recoiled with a shudder. I have a cut and some emotional trauma. (See figure 1.whine).

Now I feel unsafe in my newly-rented rental home I pay rent for. Every time I come out into the common area, my abuser is just standing there in the kitchen, not saying a word. Just kinda humming a monotone tune in such an eerie way for someone without ears.

If you know anything about my backstory I apologize. I went years without a fridge, and for good reason. I’m not used to having one. Throughout human history we were unaccompanied by refrigeration for 99.99% of our time on this Earth, and we lived well into our thirties. If we must have these diabolical monoliths when we rent our rented rental homes, they should come with warnings. 1. Food from up in here will be cold and might hurt your teeth. 2. Don’t hit your nose with the door! Door might be higher than anticipated. 3. Look both ways before opening refrigerator door.

Thank you and good gay.

Google Review of 2024

5 stars. Wouldn’t recommend to my worst enemy. Bbc I don’t want them up in such a fine year.

1. Rodge, Her, and I were at table. One of us was playing cards, one was dining, and another was contemplating petting a half-tabby white cat. That IS until whitey paraded in front of me and I saw, while my hand was inches away from heavy petting, a WOUND on its side where hair wouldn’t dare regrow. Like a bit of steak adhesed to one side. Like a side of rare beef. Just a bite. We all lurched away from that cat in turn, when our lurching time came as the cat paraded on the table top. Rodge said, “This does nothing for my appetite.” And the three of us laughed until we had to come up for air. Rodge: “S’probably just a touch of ringworm.” Dan’l: “YOU probably gave the cat ringworm.”
2. Celebrity Attorney Wes Sanders shushed Yvette in an attorney room. I myself don’t recommend shushing Yvette in any context. Even in a quiet theater. She looked at him with murder in her eye. A glance usually couldn’t constitute assault. Usually.
3. After dining away a 10 day old roommate entree from Her fridge, She accosted me by the trash. And said, “Didju eat that old sushi, too? You dirty fucking raccoon. You monster.” And I lost all strength in comic response when she tried to dump said sushi in the trash and I caught one piece in my grubby hand. My non-grubby hand was employed catching the fall that was laughter-based. She makes my knees week several times a week.
4. Rarely am I a superhero. If at all. IF AT ALL. On a normal gay of the week I’m a simple hero, going about my sexy do-goofing. But one of those Saturday shifts ago at Nonna’s I was wiping off a table, my secret passion, and I knocked an olive oil off it with a right forehand. Quick as a Thanos snap I reached and caught the bottle backhand, between my pinky and ring fingy. And only one other person saw me do so: an eleven year old girl. So we shared a knowing acknowledgment and she said, “I saw that.”
5. After he’d been nearly pistachioed to death, Rodge stood with dignity and brushed the shells from his every facet. Shirt pockets and wrinkles. I’d chucked every husk I could at the patriarch. Piles of em. Promptly he adjourned to the fridge, where grandnephew Justus had announced the last beer’d been brought. But no, not. Rodge unearthed a margarine box and unsheathed a miller highlife therefrom. He swigged, and he spat. At me, but nay. Justus was on my lap and he bore the brunt on his helmeted head. Justus cried. I laughed.
6. I’d just polished off all of an unidentifiable dish from the fridge that was so old none could remember its source. I think it was cattle. She was livid over my continued disregard for food safety and my jolly tone. So She preempted me with an egg McSomethin’ I hadn’t noticed, attempting to toss it into the can. But nay. May I say. With quick hands/max power, I have intercepted several sevens of entrees caroming trashward. This one I caught and held it like a third out fly ball. So She berated me. I don’t recall Her words, I just member how they made me feel. Which was, amazing. And my knees buckled again in a laughter-based loss of strength. There’ve been so many of those. I stayed low.

7. Just lightning-quick reflexes, is all. Ella’s lil sister was sitting on the counter and playing a “getchoo” game on my shoulder as I sat in a chair. But 2 year-olds have a top-heavy life, and she toppled forward after getting me one last time. And I caught her with one arm, avoiding injury.

He doesn’t really have any cows.

Years prior to just now Rodgey was at one of his bevy of hospitalizations and remarked to a nurse he’d begun to court, “I really need to leave and check on my cows.”

Quickly I interceded, “He doesn’t really have any cows.”

And the nurse, as an aside to me, said, “I didn’t think so.”

The prank was easy bbc Rodge looks like his greatest nemesis nudging up to 80 is a moderate gust of wind which could carry him aloft and land him in Kansas, Dorothy. No poblano. When he ambulates, he’s the look of some grey one shuffling from dialysis machine to CPAP. From one life-giving robot to the next.

He IS also my regular sparring partner and indeed a formidable opponent. I’m told in the early epochs of Rodge he was a wiry kind of strong and a smelly kind of strong. He boasts of wrastling countless young men into submission and feeding them dog crap. He would cook it for dinner and serve it to them in a romantic setting. More on this always.

I love standing in a fall field with him as he feeds his favorite chattel cattle. He’ll say Dayan can ya help me carry some grain over to those longhorns?

Dan’l: “Rodge there are no cows there and you know it. It was cute for a while but I can’t pretend you have cows anymore. You don’t have a cow, man. This is getting unhealthy though and I know you’re spending more money on grain for nobody than the income you’re left with after my appropriations allows.”

Rodge: “Don’t let the big one bully those yearlings from the feeder.”

Dan’l: “Steaks alive, Rodge. I can’t do this anymore. You’re remembering old cows you had growing up in Ohio. I know this can be hard but please be present with me and admit we’re in an empty field carrying buckets of corn.”

Rodge: “Close the gate or they’ll get out on the road! You sunovabitchofaguy!”

Dan’l: “S’probably time for your 72 hour hold. I had one at 17 and I can’t complain legally because hospitals are super immune. You yourself and yuns committed your own father to a facility just for funzers if I recall. I think a suicide smock would look super sexy on ya.”

In my defense, I’m a defense attorney. I love my dad and maybe I love messing with him a little more. And the cattle in those fields AREN’T his. Nor are they Jeff’s, who is also him. They belong to my brother Mark, just as all Rodgey’s worldly possessions should.

Here’s every novel I’ve read Vol. 2

2013

time travelers wife- niffinger

American gods – Gaiman, graveyard book

heart n soul – binchy

life of pi

Confederacy of dunces – toole

maids version- woodrell

me talk pretty – sedaris

bossy pants- fey

2014

in one person- irving. Last night in twisted river. Widow for one year. Harp.

dandelion wine- Bradbury

wild ducks walking backwards -robbins

the pearl – Steinbeck

going clear – Lawrence wright. 13 days in September. Looming tower

point omega – delillo. Falling man.

trout fishing in America-brautigan

unbearable lightness of being- Kundera

100 years of solitude- marquez

load of Huey – Odenkirk

go set a watchman – Lee

Enders game- card

Ishmael- Quinn

2016

more information than you require- hodgman

broom of the system- Wallace

doors of perception- Huxley

dharma bums -Kerouac

alchemist- coelho

lovely bones- sebold

power of myth -Campbell

11.22.63 – king

Hollywood said no- Odenkirk

patsy sings for me- womer

I drink for a – cross

jitterbug perfume- Robbins

swanns way -Proust

reputation’s- Vasquez

science for her -amram

germinal -zola

essays after 80 -hall

b is for beer – Robbins

vanity Fair- Thackeray

mao 2- delillo, Libra, body artist

lamb- moore

pissing in the snow – Randolph

master n margarita- bulgakov

devil in the white city

cannery row -steinbeck

partly cloudy patriot-vowell

all the light we cannot see -doerr

stardust-gaiman

sea of grass -richter

facts behind the – Martel

as you wish – elwes

of human bondage – maugham

Silas marner – eliot

Shawshank redemption- king

still life w woodpecker- Robbins, peach pie

failure is an option – Jon Benjamin

wizard of Oz – baum

2019

naked and the dead – mailer

street lawyer – Grisham

notes nearing 90 – hall

white negro – wolfe

Faulkner – as I lay dying

notes on camp -sontag

cuckoo’s nest – kesey

2020

masters of Atlantis – portis

name of the rose – eco

another roadside -robbins, cowgirls. Half asleep, fierce invalids, skinny legs

Big Sur – kerouac

goldfinch – tartt

dirty job – moore

bartleby- melville

English patient- ondaatje

Overstory – powers

capote- bfast at Tiffany’s

2022

ball 4 – bouton

lil fires everywhere- Ng

Klein- you’ll grow out of it, I’ll show myself out

comedy… drama – Odenkirk

black phone – hill

best new horror

love comes softly – oke

2023

final problem – Doyle

high mountains of Portugal- Martel

brief wondrous life of Oscar Wao- diaz

Finished all Tom Robbins-

on earth we’re briefly gorgeous- Vuong

silence of the lambs- Harris

Here’s every novel I’ve read. Vol 1

2000

princess bride – goldman

1984, animal farm -Orwell

anthem -rand

brave new world- houxley

of mice and men – steinbeck

Fahrenheit 451, Martian chronicles

bell jar

slaughterhouse 5 catch 22 – heller

Tuesdays with Morry – albom

garp – Irving

monte cristo – dumas

2002

steppenwolf – hesse

Chesterton- thursday

war of the worlds – wells

Sophie’s choice- Styron

Frankenstein- shelley

charlotte temple- Rowson

like water for chocolate- Allende

breakfast of champions- Vonnegut

catcher in the rye- salinger

flowers for Algernon – Keyes

light in august- faulkner

on the road – Kerouac

Walden two – skinner

2004

brothers karamozov – Dostoyevsky

clockwork orange – burgess

Robinson Crusoe – Defoe

Huck Finn- twain

hitchhikers guide to the galaxy – adams

2001: space odyssey- Clarke

crime and punishment- Dostoyevsky

3 musketeers – dumas

lady chatterlys lover- dh lawrence

2005

Pere goriot- Balzac

sound and the fury – Faulkner

great gatsby- Fitzgerald

Lion, witch and the wardrobe- Lewis

the trial- Kafka

Tom Sawyer- Twain

time, conflict and human values- Fraser

2006

lord of the flies – golding

sun also rises- Hemingway

stranger in a strange land- heinlein

picture of Dorian grey – wilde

naked lunch – borroughs

dr jeckyll and Mr Hyde – Stevenson

giver- lowry

Dracula – stoker

day no pigs would die- peck

zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance- pirsig

2007

pride and prejudice- Austin

plague – Camus

the stranger

moby dick- Melville

wuthering heights – Brontë

brief histor of time – hawking

revolutionary road – Yates

portnoys complaint- Roth

native son- wright

Mumbai jumbo- Reed

awakening – Chopin

Song of Solomon- Morrison

ny trilogy- auster

a thousand acres- smiley

Brazil- Updike

white noise – delillo

herzog- bellow

4 Sherlock Holmes novels- Doyle

120 days of sodom – de Sade

2008

portrait of the artist as a young man- Joyce

satanic verses – Rushdie

a moveable feast – Hemingway

gospel according to Christ – saramago

my Antonia – Cather

Myra Breckinridge- Vidal

Anna karenina- Tolstoy, war and peace

blood meridian – McCarthy

hobbit – Tolkien

beloved – Morrison

heart of darkness- Conrad

red badge of courage – crane

I am America- Colbert

2009

a scanner darkly – dick

Don Quixote- Cervantes

chamber – Grisham

Red pony – Steinbeck

from a Buick 8 – king

crying of lot 49 – Pynchon

The Moviegoer – Walker Percy

red rabbit – Clancy

my custom van- black

second chance- Steele

rape – Oates

Oliver Twist – dickens

house of sand and fog- dubus

to the lighthouse- woolfe

passage to India – Forster

night – Wiesel

gold – Asimov

candide- voltaire

Tom Jones – fielding

siddhartha – hesse

all Harry Potter- Rowling

house on mango street – Cisneros

lolita – Nabokov

all 3 lotr- tolkien

the warden – trollope-

Anansi boys – Gaiman

corrections – franzen

when you’re engulfed in flames – sedaris

Cat’s cradle – vonnegut

haunting of hill house – Jackson

tomato red – woodrell

women in love- Lawrence

sula – morrison, Love, Paradise

winter’s bone – woodrell

2010

& the hippos were boiled – Vonnegut/burroughs

Villa Incognito- Robbins

invisible man – Ellison

Cuban prospect- Shawver

mere christianity- Lewis

Left hand of darkness- leguin

woodrell-give us a kiss, death of sweet mister, under the bright lights, muscle for the wing, the ones you do

curious incident of the dog- haddon

angels n demons – brown

Kavalier and clay, Yiddish policeman’s union- chabon

tale of 2 cities – dickens

affair at styles – Christie

woe to live on – Woodrell

Jude the obscure – hardy

good guy – koontz

invisible monsters, rant – palahniuk

simple times, I like you – a sedaris

this is a book – Martin

aftermath – shawver

notes from underground – Dostoyevsky

delillo – underworld,

post office – bukowski

count zero – Gibson

down the rabbit 🕳️- Villalobos

nightmare abbey – peacock

America again – colbert

The Raisin Bran

Rodgey: “I only get to have ONE treat in my whole life, and you eat it every chance you get so I spend most of each visit guarding my cereal from you and thinking of the next clever place to hide it.”

Dan’l: “I don’t even care for the taste of the stuff. But it matters a lot to you and I’ve taken an interest in your activities so we have more in common. The cereal would taste fine without the raisins and maybe with little marshmallows and regular flakes.”

Lately I’ll bring a box of Kellogg’s Raisin Bran to my dad each trip to Boaz, and seeing me with the box is enough to make him think I’ve stolen it from him. Because what’s the rule? Rodgey needs to believe the worst about me, alla time.

Even if he sees me bring the new box into his house, he still relieves me of it swiftly upon arrival as though I’ve no business associating with his favorite cereal after buying it for him.

Also he’s so easy to trick because I’ve wronged him so many times in the breakfast realm. I’ve been raiding and finishing his Raisin Bran boxes consistently for a couple years. He loses his mind seeing me with the purple and yellow Millville product. But then my pops increased his sophistication, noting that I buy the named bran and HE buys the generic. Or sometimes I Shawshank a lesser cereal in the Bran box and eat it in front of him, for sport. So I had to step up my game-on.

I stopped at Aldi’s last week, bought his cereal and some sharp cheddar. He accosted me at table after seeing me Pooh Bear scoops of bran with my hand. Then as he stirred a pot of brine on the stove I leaned over his shoulder, a la Bugs Bunny, and gnawing a corner of the freshly unwrapped cheese block I asked, “Whatcha working on, Rodge?”

He grabbed my wrist and squeezed while checking the brand and saying, you don’t know how to buy sharp cheddar, Dayan. But after finding it was the Aldi store brand, he clawed my wrist most foul with his long, weaponized, filthy fingernails.

Dan’l, looking at the blood, “Child abuse, Rodge?!?”

Tiny Casinos

Hey have you been knowing about these one-room casinos all over town? They’re little enough to make you believe you could win or lose small amounts only. These ones popped up in the last year, maybe inspired by the lack of law enforcement response to our gas station slot machines. The location above is called Lucky 7 Number 3. Which is confusing , first and last off. I’ve seen four casinos so far but there has to be at least three of them, based on the crazed numbering system in the signage. It’s right acrost the street from Lucky’s Game Room. No relation.

Were children with sidewalk chalk responsible for decorating the facade of the place? Because I can still see a messed up seven’s palimpsest beneath the big 7. And there’s a real DIY feel to the whole look, if the you in question were devoutly special needs.

Let’s explore the name of this place. Lucky 7. #3. Is this the third location of a brand of casinitos? Or is three a nickname of the 7? Seven already has a number closely associated with it, and that’s 7.

But where is Rodgey in all this, who claims no interest anymore in such stuff? As though he hadn’t spent two decades most every day at an Oklahoma casino. It’s a complete dearth of Rodgey, by my estimation.

I’ve been warned that prostitutes hang around these spots but I’ve looked and looked with no luck. There’s another’n on Commercial and one on Mt. Vernon in the historic Family Video building. It has a convenient Little Caesars next door and calls itself Vegas Arcade. An obvious homage to a local adult store of yore.

Retribution, starring Liam Neeson

I’m just gonna blog at ya a little bit about my recent sojourn to the cinematheque to see action grandpa Liam Neeson in RETRIBUTION. As of this writing, Neeson is 71 years old. But not once has he grumbled “I’m too old for this shi-“ a la Murtough. Not once has he walked off set in a button-down sans pants refusing to return until a better script could be assembled.

Retribution is like what 1994’s Speed could have been if Keanu Reeves had been born in the 1920s. It riffs on that Colin Ferrell movie Phone Booth, where he’ll be killed if he leaves the phone booth annnnd everyone suspects him of being the bad guy. Only here, the phone booth is a car. But don’t worry, the main character uses multiple phones constantly while driving so it remains reminiscent of Phone Booth. And… but before the movie was halfway over I’d already guessed the villain was Dennis Hopper. Old three-finger Hopper planting more bombs everywhere. Watching Liam Neeson constantly just like the audience can’t help but do.

If you expect me not to mention Taken, you’re clearly going senile due to the long term effects of syphilis. His wife is divorcing Mills in Taken, and here, wouldn’t ya know it, protagonist’s wife is off to the divorce lawyer at the start.

But Liam Neeson as Nat Turner, I mean Matt Turner, has learnt from over a decade of being took. In Retribution he puts his daughter in the car with him, first thing. Nice try, hairy Baltics. The worst you’ll do to daughter Emily is get her in the leg with some shrapnel.

There’s a bomb under Turner’s driver’s seat. It is pressure sensitive and will detonate if a change in temperature is detected. What about flatulence? Would that be enough to alter pressure, or what if it comes out hot ‘n ready? Could Neeson accidentally deal himself the deadly blow?

The robot-voiced baddie warns our favorite angry driver not to do anything stupid. But I thought, why not try some stupid? Unclick that seatbelt. Fail to check your blindspots. Merge without hitting that blinker.